Boundaries Vs. Control

The Art of Self-Preservation in Relationships

The importance of setting boundaries is often underestimated. Through my time as a narrative coach working with a diverse range of individuals, I've found that understanding and enforcing your personal boundaries is pivotal to maintaining healthy relationships and preserving your mental wellbeing.

My hands-on experience in setting boundaries comes from both normal everyday experiences with family, friends, and intimate relationships, that I am sure you have your own experiences, and, to taking care of violent and abusive criminals, often undergoing psychiatric treatment.

Here is what I have learned.

 "A boundary is for me; It's not against you."

Boundaries: Protection of Self

The premise here is straightforward; boundaries are not about controlling others, but about controlling what others can do to you. A common misunderstanding is that when someone sets a boundary, it's perceived as a personal rejection or an affront. On the contrary, that person is merely seeking to protect their space and sense of self.

The choice to walk away from an uncomfortable situation, disengage from an interaction, or change the course of a conversation, is an assertion of personal agency, not an attempt to dictate the behaviour of others. 

In my coaching, I emphasise that setting boundaries effectively requires a clear understanding of your boundaries, the ability to communicate them, and the strength and confidence to uphold them when tested.

Maintaining Boundaries: A Boost to Self-Identity

In the early days of my journey, I realised that by constantly submitting to the expectations of family, I was inadvertently neglecting my own growth and happiness. In the attempt to never disappoint, I was losing touch with my core self. But setting healthy boundaries can restore the balance. It did for me, when I made key decisions and made it clear that I would not accept certain behaviours because I did not live up to the expectations of others.

Setting healthy boundaries allows you to focus on your overall well-being, liberate yourself from undue stress, and achieve greater independence. It enhances your sense of identity and encourages you to respect others' opinions without compromising your own beliefs.

Boundaries, Not Controls

Though setting boundaries may influence others' behaviour, it's not about control. If others alter their actions in response to your boundaries, it's their choice, not your dictation. Any changes they make are reflections of their own internal mechanisms rather than your external expectations. How well others respect your boundaries, will inform how assertively you need to be when enforcing them, with those people. 

What Kind of Boundaries Do You Need?

Recognising the need for personal boundaries and having the courage to establish them is key to building healthy relationships. Types of boundaries range from physical to mental, emotional, material, conversational, and temporal (time related). Whether it's safeguarding your personal space or protecting your time, communicating your boundaries politely and clearly can significantly improve your relationships.

The Power to Say No

Saying no is a demonstration of self-respect and the courage to stand up for yourself. It shows that you've come to an understanding of what you won't tolerate in your life. Of course, not everyone will respond positively to your boundaries, but their reactions are not your responsibility. They have their own lessons to learn. Also, your ability to say “no”, will significantly impact your ability when it comes to negotiations, including in relationships and in your career.

What I hope you take away from this article

  • Boundaries are established to protect yourself, your values, and your beliefs, whereas control is exerted to manipulate the actions of others
  • Boundary setting is a self-discovery process. It involves understanding your needs, beliefs, and values and determining what makes you feel safe and comfortable. 
  • Setting boundaries in a relationship is essential. It ensures growth without compromising your beliefs and values. Boundaries are about protection, not controlling others.
  • Setting boundaries with a controlling person can be challenging. The formula to handle this involves focusing on your own behaviour. Be clear, concise, and calm in setting your boundaries. Remember, this is about you, not them. Avoid a power struggle. It's about what you feel comfortable with, not who's right or wrong.

Boundaries are an essential part of relationships and self-identity. Understanding the difference between boundaries and control can make a significant difference in our interactions with others and our internal wellbeing. Always remember: setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect. You are worth it.

Don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need help with setting boundaries

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